Discipline and punishment are not the same thing. And neither are positive discipline and permissiveness.
Positive discipline and positive parenting have been shown to be an effective foundational philosophy for parents. This parenting mindset incorporates:
- mutual respect
- willingness to corporate
- focus on relationship
- healthy and appropriate boundaries and limits
- positive engagement between parent and child
- emotional wellness
- logical or natural consequences presented with empathy and support instead of anger and fear
- shared problem-solving
- an overall desire for our children to succeed
Why is positive parenting the way to go?
By focusing on encouragement and constructive guidance, it promotes long-term positive behavior and emotional growth, helping children become confident, responsible, and resilient individuals.
The bottom line? Positive parenting and positive discipline help us get kids to want to behave while maintaining our relationship.
There are many things that go into positive parenting and positive discipline. Here are a few pillars to keep in mind:
- Mutual Respect:
- We can treat children with the respect we would hope they will show others.
- We can create an environment where they feel seen and heard.
- Encouragement:
- Focus on what our kids do well, instead of constantly correcting them.
- Find their positive character traits and reenforce them.
- Focus on effort and improvement, not just the end result.
- See Things Through Your Child’s Eyes:
- Try to see situations from the child’s perspective and understand their feelings and motivations.
- Acknowledge their emotions and help them learn to express themselves constructively.
- Understand they may want to have a say in boundaries, which we can listen to, but will ultimately exercise our loving parental authority.
- Effective Communication:
- Use clear, calm, and respectful language when communicating expectations and boundaries. Don’t shame or belittle.
- Practice active and reflective listening when they share their feelings or concerns.
- Setting Clear Boundaries:
- Keep rules and boundaries consistent, clear, and age appropriate.
- Clearly explain the reasons behind rules to help children understand their importance.
- Have clear expectations about behavior and responsibilities. Ensure they are age appropriate.
- Listen to their concerns about rules they find unfair if they are speaking respectfully, but don’t give in to fighting or tantrums.
- Be consistent and follow through. Kids need to know you mean what you say. This develops trust, safety, and reliability.
- Shared Problem-Solving Skills:
- Work together in finding solutions to problems and conflicts. This shows kids how to think critically and cooperatively.
- Encourage children to brainstorm ideas and evaluate the consequences of different actions.
- When safe, let kids make their own decisions on how to handle a problem so they can see how their ideas play out and what works, doesn’t, and what they can do differently.
- Natural and Logical Consequences:
- Allow children to experience the natural consequences of their actions when safe and appropriate.
- Use logical consequences that are directly related to the misbehavior and help the child learn from their mistakes. Kids need to know that choices have consequences/outcomes, whether positive or negative.
- Don’t take this too far and allow it to become punishment. Positive guidance and discipline are not the same as fearful punishment.
- Model What You Want to See:
- Demonstrate the behavior you want to see in your children through your own actions.
- Show empathy, patience, and respect in your interactions.
- You cannot expect your children to treat others well or make wise choices if they don’t see you doing the same.
- Make Relationship a Priority:
- Your relationship with your kids if the foundation of all your parenting.
- Find ways to spend quality time together, deepen your bond, show unconditional love and support.
- Focus on Solutions:
- Rather than focusing on punishment, work with your child to find solutions to behavior issues.
- Teach children to reflect on their actions and think about how to make better choices in the future.
- Ask, “What can you do differently next time?”
- Ask, “How can we solve this problem together?”
Keep in mind that many behaviors we would call “misbehaviors” are kids not know what is expected of them, not being able to follow the “rules” because they are not developmentally able to, they are lacking self-control, they are pushing boundaries to see how far they can go, they know we will give in if they push enough, or they are feeling off internally and their feelings are expressed in their behavior. Our empathy and patience are important as kids develop the skills to make good choices.
Here are some examples of positive discipline in action:
- Redirection:
- When a toddler is throwing blocks, redirect their energy by suggesting, “Let’s build a tower together instead!” Or just a simple reminder, “Block are for building.”
- Natural and Logical Consequences:
- If a child refuses to wear a coat on a cold day, allow them to experience feeling cold briefly so they understand the importance of dressing warmly.
- If a child draws on the walls, a logical consequence would be having them help clean it up and then find a suitable place to draw, such as a piece of paper or a designated art wall. If this problem continues, the markers may need to be removed.
- Problem-Solving:
- When siblings are fighting over a toy, sit down with them and say, “Let’s figure out a way you can both play with this toy. Can you take turns or play together?”
- Positive Time-Out:
- Instead of a punitive time-out, create a time-in, where you can connect and calm together. Punitive time-outs can create feelings of isolation and don’t help kids learn to self-regulate. Additionally, if we are constantly sending them away when things are hard, they will learn to isolate when things are hard. We want them to want to connect, not isolate.
- Encouragement:
- When a child makes an effort to complete their homework, praise their effort: “I see you worked really hard on your math problems today.”
- Setting Clear Expectations:
- Clearly explain expectations before an activity. For example, before going into a store, remind your child, “We are going into the store, and I expect you to stay by my side and use your indoor voice.” Also, be sure to discuss consequences if these expectations aren’t followed. Let them know if they run away in the store, they will be riding in the cart.
- Modeling Behavior:
- Show the behavior you want to see. If you want your child to say speak with respect, be sure you are too.
- Offering Choices:
- Give children appropriate choices to help them feel in control. For example, “Would you like to do your homework before or after dinner?”
- Teaching Through Play:
- Use role-playing to teach social skills. For instance, act out sharing with toys and discuss how it feels to share and to have someone share with you.
- Collaborative Rule-Making:
- Involve older children in setting household rules. For example, “Let’s all agree on some rules for using the computer. What do you think is fair?”
Positive parenting and discipline can be more work than punishing our kids for their mistakes. But overall, that work is well worth it. By focusing on positive discipline, we save our relationship and guide our kids to be their best self.
By: Emily Scott, PhD
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