Could you ever be THAT parent?

Could you ever be THAT parent?

Helping our kids become responsible adults is one of our most important duties as parents. Helping our kids become equipped to deal with the real world is a more manageable job than most of us probably think. Our kids learn about the world and decision making by watching us.  Unfortunately, even when we model great behaviors and actions, we do not often model great decision making (usually because that happens in our minds: not much to outwardly model).  That is why it is so important to give our kids lots of chances to practice wise decision making.

Love and Logic® differentiates between helicopter parents, drill sergeants, and consultant parents (Read more at their website).

Helicopter

Parents often believe the words “love” and “protect” are the same. We are to unconditionally love our children, but we do not always need to protect them.  When parents overprotect and do not allow young kids to experience natural, affordable consequences, they are preventing their child from a growing experience.  This type of parent will bail their child out, setting them up for failure when the grown-up, real-world doesn’t offer bailouts.  Helicopter parents communicate to their child, “You are weak without me.  I will save you.”  We don’t want our children to be exposed to lots of bad stress, but it is ok for them to experience small stressors in order to learn how to handle stressful situations effectively and appropriately, and how to manage the release of stress hormones.  Allowing them to deal with the affordable consequences from things like forgetting homework or permission slips, or not doing their chores allows them opportunities to grow and see the cause and effect of decision making.

Drill-Sergeant

Both helicopter and drill-sergeant parents teach their kids to be dependent on the parent.  But the drill-sergeant communicates that the child cannot think for themselves and will follow the parent’s lead.  This child doesn’t get to make a lot of decisions for themselves and becomes susceptible to peer pressure. When a child is raised without the ability to make any decisions or suffer any reasonable consequences they grow to be teenagers who are not experienced with the cause and effect of decision making. Many times, this kid doesn’t have experience making decisions for themselves, and unfortunately make lots of poor decisions when they finally have the opportunity to do so.  Small, affordable decisions, mistakes, and consequences are healthy parts of growing up.

Consultant

This type of parent allows their child, from a young age, to make their own choices, within reasonable limits, and suffer appropriate consequences. The burden of decision making, and thus the blame of consequences, is on the child.  Parents set reasonable limits with love, give options, and let the child think for themselves.  For younger children the choices are more black and white, “this cup or that cup” or “brushing their teeth before or after putting on PJs.”  But as children grow, the choices become more abstract.  There isn’t necessarily an option of this or that, but they have to think things through.  As parents, we love them regardless of their choices and are always there to give them ideas or be their consultant.

• We let kids make decisions for themselves because they are capable and can learn from the process, and we communicate that they believe in their abilities.  This is great for their self-worth.  (Read more on how to foster their self-worth here).
• We let them work out their own problems because they are capable. If we worry about their problems, chances are they won’t.

With this type of parenting, because the child has freedom of choice, they may fail. When the consequences to these failures are small, the child is gaining practice for the grown-up, real-world, cause and effect of decision making.  As our kids grow up, the consequences to poor decisions become bigger and more deadly.  Allowing them practice at a young age gives them more experience for when they are older. Just as we have to practice riding a bike to become a skilled rider, we must practice making decisions to become a skilled thinker.  Experiencing consequences will help show them responsibility.  How good their life is depends on the choices they make, so getting lots of practice is a great way to set them up for success.

Could you ever be the parent who did not rescue your child? Or could you ever be that parent who does not make every decision for them?  Is it hard to watch our young children make poor choices and suffer small consequences?  Allowing our kids to suffer small mistakes and the natural consequences that go along with them is not being the mean parent (although our kids may think this at first).  This is being the parent who lets our child figure things out for themselves and learn from the process.  Allowing children to think for themselves shows them we care enough about them to let them grow.

You can read more about our Love and Logic® journey here.

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor.  Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them.  Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

If you would like additional information on Love and Logic®, you can check out their website. You can also check out a Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class Renewed Hope Parenting offers. Renewed Hope Parenting is an independent facilitator of Love and Logic®. We are not employees of the Love and Logic Institute.