
There are so many characteristics that can define a positive parent. Typically, we think of a positive parent as kind, empathetic, disciplined, guiding, loving, and so many other things.
Positive parenting has been around for many years now. Here is a quick recap of positive parenting:
- Focus on positive guidance and not harsh punishment. We focus on guiding our kids to be their best self, not scaring them into behaving.
- There is mutual respect between parents and kids. Parents don’t usually demand respect from their kids, but model and foster it. The best way to teach kids how to respect others is by treating them with respect.
- Positive parenting can easily be confused with permissive parenting. We don’t let our kids get away with things or never have to deal with the consequences of their actions. Kids need to know that there are consequences to their choices, sometimes good, sometimes bad. And they also need to learn they are strong enough to handle them. We are there to support them during the process.
- We are proactive. Kids have a hard time sometimes and we are prepared to deal with those situations as they arise. We also know that things like connection, relationship, and discussing expectations when things are calm can help prevent many childhood “misbehaviors.”
- Parenting isn’t a power trip. We don’t want to battle with our kids and exhort power over our kids. We want them to learn their own self-control, with our guidance, not be under our control. No one wins a power struggle. They only damage relationships.
Here are five of the many important virtues of a positive parent:
Patience:
Parents can be patient with their kids when they make sad choices and when our kids are in a learning process and maturing. Sometimes it’s a lot quicker and easier to punish our kids to stop their behavior. But we need to be patient to figure out what’s going on. Many kids just need to test boundaries to see what they can get away with. Sometimes kids just aren’t clear on what’s expected. Other times kids are not developmentally able to follow a certain rule. Often habitual behaviors are because a child is seeking connection or something deeper is going on. It takes a lot more work to get to the bottom of a problem, but the overall results are worth the effort. Harsh punishment can hurt our relational base or fail to fix the problem. We don’t want our kids to fear us.
Here are some ideas on how to become a more patient parent:
- Remember where your child is developmentally
- Use empathy when they are upset
- Foster a family attitude of patience and calm
- Use the family mantra, “We get to practice being patient.”
- Ask for help
- Recognize your triggers and be proactive
- Take care of yourself
Empathy:
Empathy is our ability to see another’s point of view and to share their feelings. Being empathic with or kids when they have to deal with consequences is especially important.
Why is this so important in parenting? Showing empathy toward our kids is important because:
- It shows we care.
- Our kids will feel less alone.
- Our kids feel understood.
- Empathy encourages acceptance and tolerance.
- Empathy is the foundation of relationships.
- When we model empathy, our kids are more likely to learn it, and therefore, have stronger relationships themselves.
You can read more on Empathy: What is it? Here and Empathy: Helping Kids with Big Feelings here.
Ways to be more empathetic:
- Understand that your child’s behavior is a way of communicating.
- Get to the bottom of their behavior to help yourself understand what’s going on with them.
- Try to see things the way they see it.
- Withhold your own judgements.
- Manage your own stress and work on your emotional intelligence.
- Be curious. Ask questions.
- Be willing to be vulnerable.
- Read Empathetic Statements here.
Emotion Coaching:
There has been considerable research on how important our emotional health is. As parents, we can help our kids develop their emotional help from toddler years to adulthood. Again, helping them with emotional health doesn’t mean we allow all behaviors or allow our kids to run the show. It’s about fostering their health.
Read about Emotional Health for Parents here and Emotional Intelligence for Kids here.
Here are some tips on implementing emotion coaching in your family:
- Validate a child’s experience and respect their feelings, however silly they may seem.
- Teach them to label emotions.
- Teach them to have healthy coping mechanisms or tools to work through emotion. Maybe that means taking a break, or hitting a pillow, or taking deep breaths, or special recognition (count 5 blue things in the room).
- We can open the lines of emotional communication with our empathy and understanding. Always, always, always lead with empathy before lectures, advice, or help. This opens their minds to thinking and shows them we are there in support.
- Asking questions is usually better than making statements. It’s gets them thinking. “How are you feeling?” “What made you feel this way.” What questions are typically best, because they can describe what happened.
- Be sure to also set important boundaries with love. Sure, it’s OK to get mad at your sibling. But it is never OK to hit them out of anger, and there will be appropriate consequences for hitting (not the anger).
- Emotional support parents also know it’s OK to show emotion while parenting. We can show our kids that we get angry and frustrated too. We label our emotions and find healthy ways to express and cope. We apologize when we get overwhelmed and yell.
- One key trait of an emotionally healthy and emotion supporting parent, is that they notice small emotions before they become big and overwhelming. You may notice your child feeling frustrated and intervene before it becomes full blown anger.
- Take these opportunities to connect. Give your child a safe place to get their feelings out. Some of the stronger emotions can be scary for kids. They can feel out of control of their bodies, and having us as a safe place to express that is important.
- Use preventative parenting. When things are calm, talk about what your child can do when they feel overwhelmed or angry. “Let’s figure out a plan for when you’re feeling angry, so we don’t hurt anyone.” “Let’s make a list of 5 things to do when you feel sad.” “Next time you feel angry, count 5 blue things, or list 5 things you are thankful for.”
- Separate the emotion or behavior from the child. Your child is not the problem. But maybe, they don’t make great choices when they are overwhelmed. Those choices are the issue you want to help fix, not the child.
Acceptance:
Positive parents don’t expect kids to do things they aren’t capable of. We understand that there are certain things kids can’t do at certain ages. We not only accept this, but we work to guide our kids in a loving manner until they are ready.
We also accept our kids for who they are. Some kids are more strong-willed than others, some are shyer. And while we will sometimes make our kids stretch in ways in which they aren’t comfortable, we understand and accept our child for who they are.
We also accept that we can’t get it right every time. We’re human and we will have our moments where we yell or unjustly punish our kids. We accept grace for ourselves, apologize to our kids, and learn from the experience. Our growth as a parent will benefit both ourselves and our families.
Connection:
Humans were wired for connection. From infancy, attachment and connection are huge in how well our kids develop, how well they behave, and how strong our family structure is. Research has continually shown how important this attachment is to our kids. As parents, we can look for opportunities to connect with our kids. Not only because connection can help with behavior, but because we want to create a relationship that lasts longer than the 18 years they live at home.
- Find ways to connect often with your kids, both individually and as a family.
- Study your child. See what makes them tick. Learn their love language. Find what truly speaks to their heart and show them love in those ways.
- Have fun together.
- Live life together. Be open and honest. Let them help. Offer to help them.
- It’s important to be the parent/authority of your family and have expectations for your kids. But remember your relationship is what will last.
Read Everything You Need to Know About Connection-Based Parenting.
By: Emily Scott, PhD
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Other blogs you may like:
Building Your Child’s Self-Worth
Helping Kids Develop a Growth Mindset
Helping Kids Develop an Optimistic Mindset
Becoming a Relationship-Based Parent
This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Emily Scott, PhD and Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.
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